Unfinished business has a way of haunting me when the future ages into the present tense. Those various incomplete projects, that phone call that went wrong and was never discussed, that leftover crap that ends up in someone else's room or car--those things will come back and bite me in my ass at the moments when I need help not hurt, care not apathy, compassion not scorn.
I could not and will still never win an arguement with you. I have found it to be impossible. It would be easier for me to birth a child than to win even so much as a point in the discussion with you. And so...why fight? Right? It is supposed to be easier on us to just shrug our shoulders, harden our beaten hearts, and try to forget the feelings of connection? Yeah right, good luck with that one. No wonder we have so many issues in our lives: we are constantly trying to turn our backs away, avert our eyes, lock our jaws and wonder, "oh, why me? what next?".
What next is what we do right now, this very minute, to clean up unfinished business. The raw, stinking hurt. The regret. The feeling of disconnection. The feeling of no appreciation. The awful truth that we've learned to lie within ourselves instead of growing and changing. The absence of pinpoints of light in the heavy drape of night paints a very bleak forecast.
I can't say what I'm going to do about my life or my position in the world or even if I'm going to take the damn clothes out of the dryer tonight and fold them like I should. I'm unable to guess what I'm going to do about my hurt heart, still hurting after all this time, or about my beliefs and hopes. I can't say that I will be better, that I won't smoke cigarettes anymore and will run 2 miles every night after work and then carve stamps in the morning on Marta, or even finish that book I'm reading.
But I'm going to try to do something that follows through with that apprehensive sense of change, that dreaded alteration, that needed motivation spark I sometimes feel in my gut. Why not? This current trail isn't going anywhere at all but in hopeless misdirections.
I hope you'll hold my hand and walk with me...wherever it is that this new direction leads, because deep down you know that is where you're needed and cared for and loved.
