Words on Christmas Eve

Christmas presents come in all sizes and wrappings. Inside of the mysterious box is something held outstrectched to you. This thing represents lots of time and thought about you. I might have found this treasure by accident, I may have searched everywhere and finally settled, I may have immediately thought of you and sought this needed offering, or I may have figured out exactly what you mean to me and rose to match your level of love for me in this gift. However it came about, this gift is for you and it came from my heart wholly from my closeness to you, minus the fat man.

Unfinished Business

Unfinished business has a way of haunting me when the future ages into the present tense. Those various incomplete projects, that phone call that went wrong and was never discussed, that leftover crap that ends up in someone else's room or car--those things will come back and bite me in my ass at the moments when I need help not hurt, care not apathy, compassion not scorn.

I could not and will still never win an arguement with you. I have found it to be impossible. It would be easier for me to birth a child than to win even so much as a point in the discussion with you. And so...why fight? Right? It is supposed to be easier on us to just shrug our shoulders, harden our beaten hearts, and try to forget the feelings of connection? Yeah right, good luck with that one. No wonder we have so many issues in our lives: we are constantly trying to turn our backs away, avert our eyes, lock our jaws and wonder, "oh, why me? what next?".

What next is what we do right now, this very minute, to clean up unfinished business. The raw, stinking hurt. The regret. The feeling of disconnection. The feeling of no appreciation. The awful truth that we've learned to lie within ourselves instead of growing and changing. The absence of pinpoints of light in the heavy drape of night paints a very bleak forecast.

I can't say what I'm going to do about my life or my position in the world or even if I'm going to take the damn clothes out of the dryer tonight and fold them like I should. I'm unable to guess what I'm going to do about my hurt heart, still hurting after all this time, or about my beliefs and hopes. I can't say that I will be better, that I won't smoke cigarettes anymore and will run 2 miles every night after work and then carve stamps in the morning on Marta, or even finish that book I'm reading.

But I'm going to try to do something that follows through with that apprehensive sense of change, that dreaded alteration, that needed motivation spark I sometimes feel in my gut. Why not? This current trail isn't going anywhere at all but in hopeless misdirections.

I hope you'll hold my hand and walk with me...wherever it is that this new direction leads, because deep down you know that is where you're needed and cared for and loved.

Rotation: 45 to 33 without a warning

Sometimes events in life, or even soul-smooching words and sentiments, move a person to write. And I'm usually one of those folks. Not lately though, no way. I have too many events changing and flowing and words I've never heard before are suddenly flowing into my ear, both near and dear. I seriously need to process some recent unfoldings and enjoy the smell of the flowers in all their freedom.
-->This has been a drill of our Sloth System. Please meander toward the stairwell and then brood languidly before opening the door. True fire only hurts once. Peace out.<--

life

It is cold and dark here where i breathe and take up space. To Payton I am the one therefore i have to continue this worthless way of taking up space. He is 6 years on thanksgiving. How ironic. Thanks to him I lurk.

I have nothing positive to offer or write about therefore......i will go to sleep and hopefully in the am i will wake up to another day of miserable thoughts and more cheap talk. And probably some more fucking dumb looks. All hope is that I wont. Fuck it all

Asian Mob and No Regrets

Well, after my lull from the last post...which apparently bored even me to sleep...I will tell of a story of my friend.

It must have been late June or July, I can't remember. We were in the dance phase. Every weekend we'd go dancing, usually at a certain place but sometimes we'd mix it up. I wore some dippy clothes that resembled "cool" and slicked my hair with enough shit so that it didn't move...not that this was cool, it is just what I did at the time...and then we'd go blow some money. Usually I'd want to kick some guys nuts before we even got 10 feet into the room b/c they'd either be hitting on her or me.

But we would move on into the dancefloor, with the beat ever-expanding in our eardrums. We would become enveloped in the beat, our heart rates rising in each pulsation. Soon we were weaving into the throng of squirming dancers. We'd scope the floor looking for the best dancers and plant there.

On this evening, we located the Asian Mob. It was cool though. We found two hot Asian chicks and three dudes that had a nice corner. Only one guy had the glowsticks, the other two were non-dancing toughs. My date gravitated toward them and we danced there. Amazingly, the dj started to suck real bad. In fact, he scratched (in a bad sense) the shit out a record he was trying to mix. He must have been nuked. The dance floor throbbed to a stall, looking awkward and uncertain. About that time a shrouded figure presented himself on the upper balcony. He hit his hands three times and then threw out glow noodles from his sleeves. He then repeated that three times. Then the shrouded figure disappeared and the music started up again.

I was collecting glow noodles when I noticed that she had disappeared. I kept messing with my free glow noodle, eventually winning recognition from onlookers. It was then that I noticed she had moved onto a floor-mounted speaker. I looked up to see her and an Asian chick dancing on the speaker, much to the delight of everyone. I moved closer, circling my noodle like a hangnoose.

She was moving, really getting it. The dj must have noticed and the music blasted out full force. The crowd was a glitter of neon colors moving in randon specks out of the corner of my eye. The Asian chick was going all out too. I stepped up near the speaker, unsure of the mob elements. They locked eyes with me and showed aggresion, but both the chicks smoothed it over. Sweat flew, butts posed, boobs bounced and lights flashed. I kicked it to the beat and maintained my noodle. I think maybe three gay guys began to consider bi-sexuality....it was a hot, sexy chick scene like no other I'll ever live to see again.

Later we went onward and eventually ended up at Waffle House. I had coffee and she had breakfast. Know this all men: I was very, Very ready to get back home. We finally arrived, showered, and I stepped out for a smoke. You know the rest...came back inside, locked the doors and turned out the lights...poor beautiful thing had worn herself out and was fast asleep. Ouch. Ouch. Blue-blazin' ouch.

Still, the hottest dancing I've ever seen in my life and all the clothes stayed on too. No regrets.